2nd test results

I finally got my results from my 2nd blood test. I went in this morning before work. Typically they call between 2-3pm. The whole afternoon I was anxious waiting to hear back. I worked today, but was very distracted waiting on this call. It soon became after 3pm and they hadn't called yet. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack waiting. I called the office requesting that the nurse call me ASAP. Finally she called about 3:30. My levels didn't completely double coming back at 360 when we were hoping for 400ish. But, she said she checked with Dr. Jarrett and he was still pleased with the numbers. It was a 73% increase and he likes to see at least 60%. So, despite some anxiety about the numbers, it appears that everything is ok thus far and I am officially pregnant. :) :) The progesterone levels came back high which is a good thing. I am now scheduled for my first OB ultrasound on June 2nd. This should indicate a yolk sac and possibly a heartbeat. If there isn't a heartbeat yet, we'll do another ultrasound a week later to make sure there is. We are definitely excited, but still cautious. We want to see a healthy ultrasound before we start to relax about all this. I have read a lot and talked to a lot of people which makes me anxious. Those that do IVF do have a slightly higher miscarriage risk primarily because positive pregnancy is determined way earlier than "normal" pregnancies. We are definitely still having to put our trust in God and his protection. This whole IVF thing is so anxiety provoking even after getting a positive result. Whew. Will my heart every slow down? It's definitely continuing to teach us to trust God and not to fear. He has this little embryo in His hands and we have to trust him with that. Thanks so much for all of your encouragement, prayers and well wishes!!!!

The Results. . . . .

Today I went for my blood draw at 8:15. We've been SOOO nervous the past few days anticipating this day. I feel like our lives have been a continual prayer! Anyway, I gave my blood then left to run some errands. I met my friend Molly for lunch which was a good reprieve for me. Sometimes when I'm anxious about something I tend to want to retreat into myself, but Molly is good about encouraging me to get out and think about something else. I then went home to wait. . . and wait. . . .and wait. Finally the nurse called at 2:30. "You did it",she said. "You're pregnant"! I could not believe my ears. I was about to cry or scream or both. She said my HCG levels came back at 207!!!!!! I was shaking by the time I got off the phone. I then immediately called Curtis who also was SOO excited and could hardly believe the news. I'm definitely still in shock even as I write this. Praise God!!!! I go in for a repeat test on Friday and the HCG levels should at least double to indicate a positive FOR SURE. Then, it's still not DEFINITE until an ultrasound a couple weeks later. We are SOOOO excited. But, please don't stop praying yet. Also, please don't tell the general public yet as you can see it's super early. We'll let you know when it's OK to tell the world. :) Thanks for your continued prayers!!

Psalm 126:3 The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy!!!!

Anticipation

I know many of you have asked. . . . my pregnancy test is this Wednesday (5/21). I'll go in around 8ish and I should have the results by 2ish in the afternoon. This will be 12 days post transfer. This will be testing for the level of HCG in my blood. Anything 5-50 is inconclusive, 50+ is considered positive. BUT, will not be for sure until a 2nd test which would occur on Friday (5/23). AND, even if that tests positive, nothing is for sure for sure until an ultrasound confirms it. So, all this to say. . . yes Wednesday is the day, but if that is positive it's not over.

I am feeling more positive this time compared to last time, but unwilling to be too sure about anything. I've had some sorta pregnancy like symptoms, but I'm not trying to read into anything as it could be a result of side effects from the progesterone.

It's SOOOO hard to wait. Sometimes I feel like it's all I think about.. . . I just want an answer. YES or NO.. . . . .
Thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement!!!

A Grateful Heart

Today being Mother's Day was kind of a bittersweet day. One of hope that perhaps I may be becoming mother as we speak. Or one of disappointment that I may never mother my own biological child. Our pastor gave a great message today of how if Jesus is at the "core" of our lives than thankfulness should abound in everything we say and do regardless of circumstances. Our lives should be an example of faith, hope and love. One example he gave was of a couple struggling with infertility and wondering why God won't grant the desires of their hearts, but knowing that the suffering will all be understood either in this life or the next. And the trust in God that should then exude despite the suffering. This certainly struck at the center of my being. Yes, having a child IS the desire of our hearts, but we are trying to keep Christ at the center. It's easy to make our desire of a child our "Idol". Our prayer is that we are keeping faith in God's plan regardless of what that is, hoping for His best and continuing to love each other and Him all the while. Wow, how hard that all is. But, we do have A LOT to be grateful for. The fact that we financially have the option of even trying IVF, good jobs that we enjoy (for the most part :)), a nice house, wonderful and supportive families and friends. Sometimes it's easy to lose focus on what we do have and how blessed we are.

Obviously our continued prayer is that this IVF attempt proves successful. That God's would see fit to bless our desire for a child, but we know His will may not be our will. Regardless we're trying to put our trust in Him. Please continue to pray for us, not only for the success of this IVF, but also for the condition of our hearts; that we would remain grateful regardless of circumstance. We love all of you and your encouragement and blog comments have truly been an example of the body of Christ.

Transfer

This morning we woke up at the crack of dawn to get to my acupuncture appointment by 6:15. That appointment was wonderfully relaxing. I was done by 7 and had time to kill before the transfer at 7:45. So, we went to Le Peep's for a quick breakfast (mm mm). Then we got to the hospital, I took my Valium in the parking lot and then began drinking water like it was my job! Once there they just took my vitals, gave me a lovely gown to change into and then took us back to the transfer room at about 9am. Dr. Jarrett did do the procedure, thankfully, although he didn't look like he was staying long. He had on work out pants and a shirt when usually he has scrubs on. The biologist came in with the report of our embryos. We only had 2 fertilize and one had divided to 4 cell, the other to 7 cells. They were both graded a 2/4 which is considered good, but not great. They said they've still had a lot of pregnancies result from grade 2's. Here is the picture of our baby embryos.

We're praying at least one of them holds on!!!!!!! The procedure took about 5 minutes- just loading the embryos in a thin catheter and placing them directly in the uterus guided by an abdominal ultrasound. I then laid there for 5 minutes and then was able to get up, go the bathroom, get dressed and ready to leave. I then returned to the acupuncture clinic for a final treatment. With the help of the Valium I fell asleep on the treatment table. It was wonderful. We then came home to crash on the couch which is where I've been up to now. I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend of nothingness. Lots of reading, movies etc. Thanks for all of your continued prayers. We're remaining hopeful. . . . . .

Fertilization report

This morning the biologist called to inform of the fertilization at this point. So far only 2 show signs of fertilization. I was bummed that only 2 out of 6. There is the possibility that more could fertilize in the next day or so. But, now we're really praying that those 2 continue to divide and grow like they are supposed to. All it takes is one, but it's nerve racking to know we only have 2 to chose from and hopefully both of those mature to use them both.

The transfer is scheduled for 9am on Friday (5/9) and we have to be there by 7:45. Before that I will have an acupuncture treatment at 6:45 at the clinic just up the road. So, please pray for our embryos and their development. Pray for the transfer to go well, for me to stay relaxed and for one of them to stick!!!! Even though we may only have 1 or 2 to transfer back, I keep hearing God's voice telling me to trust Him. It's so hard! It's so easy to worry!

One thing that's been on my heart lately is just the sadness of having to go to this degree and this much stress to have a child. So many people can have children so easily and take that for granted. This kind of sadness is not one you can understand unless you've been there yourself. I have to remind myself when others are talking about their ease of having children etc. that it's not meant to be hurtful towards me. Sometimes being around moms and their babies or pregnant women is hard for me. Sometimes I just have to walk away and take a few deep breaths and remind myself that God has something good for me too. I just have to trust Him with that. You might call it jealousy or covetousness or whatever you wish, but it's real and it's hard to quite that feeling. But, we're praying that this will be our chance, our turn to have a child. We pray that God will bless that.

Proverbs 3:5 TRUST in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

Retrieval day

This morning we arrived at the hospital expecting the usual from last time. When I was being lead back to the prep room the nurse asked to confirm that Dr. Schultz was doing my procedure. I said, No, I was expecting Dr. Jarrett. Well, she called up to his office to find out that it was going to be Dr. Schultz since Dr. Jarrett was off today. She understood my being upset and suggested that I talk to the office about my feelings and the fact that no one informed me it would be Dr. Schultz (his partner). I was given a gown and robe to change into and gradually began to feel more and more upset about the whole thing. I began to cry and then sob about it all. Curtis held me and prayed with me that we could trust God no matter who did the procedure. I kept saying, "I'm sure she's good, but she's not MY Dr. and I wasn't expecting this." I laid down on the bed trying to calm down praying and talking to myself. I kept thinking, God is bigger than this and His will will be carried out regardless of who does the retrieval. I then heard Dr. Jarrett's voice out the hallway. I was thinking, what is he doing here if it's his day off, but was sure he was just passing through. The biologist then came in to go over a few things with me, then the nurse to put in the IV. While one nurse was doing the IV the original nurse came in to tell me that Dr. Jarrett was in fact here and would be doing the retrieval. I thought, "are you serious?". She said that somehow he's come in to do it. She wasn't sure of the details. Then, when he came in I said, "I thought you were supposed to be off today.' He said, "Well, I was. . . I was supposed to be leaving for New Orleans this morning." It turns out he was supposed to be going with his wife for something with her business, but late last night found out he didn't have to go. I told him how glad I was he was there and would be doing the retrieval. He said, "I wouldn't miss it". But, I'm thinking, well you almost did. . . . He then wheeled the bed and me down to the OR. Then I asked, "So I hear that you don't do transfers on Fridays?" He said, "well, not necessarily". I then asked, "Is there any chance you could do my transfer on Friday?"
He said he would do his best. So as you can see, it was kind of a stressful morning even before anything got started, but it all worked out in the end. Curtis was saying how God is just continuing to teach us to trust Him more and more. Man, but what a hard lesson.

So, anyway, about the retrieval. All in all it went well. He was only able to retrieve 6 eggs, which I was kind of bummed about. I asked him afterward if the others weren't mature and he said, "For you, 6 is good." Whatever that means. So maybe the other follicles weren't mature or didn't contain an egg or who knows. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Now we're praying that all or at least most fertilize enough that we have 2 really good embryos to transfer back on Friday.

Today is a beautiful day to be home to rest. I was dozing while reclining on the patio earlier. Curtis is working on draining and refilling the hot tub and is pretty excited about using it now. :)