The results are in. . . .

I went in for my beta (blood test) this AM. I already had a bad feeling about it. Just with as sick as I have been the past couple weeks and especially this past weekend. I also took a HPT (home pregnancy test) yesterday just to see what it would say. It of course indicated a BFN (big fat negative). So, I was prepared for the same with this beta. And, I'm sorry to say. . . . I was right. It was in fact negative. Anything above 5 is considered positive (although above 50 is preferred). I was 2. Great, huh? It's very frustrating. Especially knowing how much prayer support we had. Although just because we pray about something doesn't mean God will give us exactly what we ask for. I just wish I knew the big picture. I wish I knew whether or not we will ever be able to have our own child.

Curtis and I talked a long time last night (anticipating a negative today) about how frustrating it is to blow 12k with nothing to show for it. And to consider doing it again with again the possibility of nothing to show for it. Not only just the $, but the "wasted" time, shots, stress etc. Just the realization that it's not fair. And we know, "life is not fair". We've all heard it a 100 times, but to actually live it is something all together different. Also, one thing he said is how unfair it is that we have to make the choice of how much a child is worth to us. That is just an awful thing to think about. Most people think, "hey, I'd like to have a couple kids" and wha la-- they do. They don't have to put their $ on that decision. Not like this. We're in the place of determining is a child worth 12, 24, 40K? What if we spend all this money on IVF and still get nothing. Do we want to invest more $ in adoption? This could get real expensive real fast. No we don't have an answer yet on how much a child is worth so to speak. Just frustrated that we are put in a spot to make such a decision.

Somehow we pick up the pieces and move on. Likely we will try this at least once more before we throw in the towel. We know that God is still good and His ways are perfect. (They just don't always feel that way.) One verse I read yesterday was Psalm 37:7a Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; It struck me as relavant to our life right now. But, how hard it is to be STILL and WAIT. . . .

Thank you all for your support, your prayers, your love. Your encouragement has meant the world to us.

Waiting. . . .

Well, we're over a week into the waiting with 5 more days to go. It is hard just to sit and wait and wonder. . . . . . We've done a lot of praying and pondering. I keep trying to imagine the scenario both ways to be prepared for either answer. Truthfully, it's more likely that is it negative and I keep trying to tell myself that just to keep from getting my hopes up. I've been hyperaware of what my body is feeling. Every little twinge or cramp I wonder, "could that be anthing?". I also am continuing to get over a bad cold with a bad cough and there have been times I feel like I'm going to pop and ovary with as hard as I'm coughing. I hope that doesn't interrupt anything. Most everything I've read though says that if they're going to implant they will regardless of things like that.

I truly have no idea what to expect next week. I don't have a feeling either way. We are trying to remain hopeful, but at the same time skeptical. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Still knowing that God has a plan- just wish I knew what it was. :)

TRANSFER TODAY!!!!!

This morning we arrived at Clarion North at 7:45. I took my valium in the parking lot as instructed. I then began drinking my 2 bottles of water to fill up my bladder to assure a clear ulrasound picture. We were taken back to the prep room to get a gown on, sign paperwork etc. By the time they came to take me back I was feeling a little loopy. Kinda felt like I'd had a couple glasses of wine. Curtis came back with me as well. We were taken to a room with a nice exam table with stir-ups. The biologist came in with Dr. Jarrett to show us the pictures of the embryos. He decided to transfer 3, 2 at the 4 cell stage, 1 at the 2 cell stage that were looking very good quality. I will try to scan a picture in later. The last embryo she said had not divided any further and was beginning to "fragment" and would be discarded. Dr. Jarrett positioned me, and then with an abdominal ultrasound he guided the catheter in to deposit the embryos. The procedure took less than 10 minutes total. I then had to lie still for 5 minutes and was then free to get up and go back to my prep room to get dressed. After a final vital sign check we were free to go. On the way home I was falling asleep in the car from the valium and came home and immediately crashed on the couch. And here I stay for a couple days. Now the wait begins . . . . I return for a pregnancy test on February 20th. Thank you all for your continued prayers!!!!!

Newest lab update

The lab called again this morning to let me know that the 4/5 embryos that were thawed divided overnight to the 2 cell stage. Hopefully by tomorrow they will all have divided again and continue to be developing as they should. :) By tomorrow they will be able to better determine the quality of the embryos in order to be able to choose the best 2-3 to put back. The rest will be left to continue to develop hopefully to the blastocyst stage to be re-frozen. However, she did say that the liklihood of that is not great. Usually the 1-2 left behind are of lesser quality and the chance of making it to the blastocyst stage is not great. So, we should have 4 to choose from tomorrow. We're trying to be calm about the whole process, but inside truly anxious. We keep praying for God to give us a peace and a patience through this. Last night I even dreamt about the procedure which was quite funny.
Anyway, thank you so much for your continued prayers and ask that you continue through tomorrow and beyond. We love you guys!

Lab update

Today the lab called to let me know they thawed 3 embryos, but 1 did not make it. She was requesting approval from me to thaw 1-2 more as Dr. Jarrett would like 3 to choose from for the transfer. They should call again tomorrow to let us know the progress on development etc.

Dr. Jarrett's office called as well to let us know that they have my time scheduled for the transfer. It will be at 8:45 am on Thursday with arrival time at 7:45 am.

Last night Marla (my good friend who is also an internist) came over to show Curtis how to do the progesterone IM injections. She did the one last night and tonight we were on our own. Curtis did a good job although I'm realizing I'm going to have some very sore cheeks after a few days!

I'll let you know more details tomorrow. We feel your prayers every day!!! Thank you so much!

Another Ultrasound

Yesterday I had another appointment for an ultrasound and bloodwork. I'm getting too used to all these needle sticks. Basically, this was to check that the endometrium is thickening adequately and that the other hormone levels are good. Those tests came back fine. The plan now is to do the transfer next Thursday on February 7th. I continue with the estrogen pills and begin the big intramuscular progesterone injections Feb 4th. Curtis will have to do these injections unless I'm able to find someone else to help out. I'll be off work next Thursday and Friday on basically "bedrest".

We know the liklihood that this may not work. We understand, but still fear that possibility. We are trying to trust that God knows best for our future and our family. Please keep praying!!!

The next step

Yesterday the nurse called to let me know that my estradiol levels came back low, as they should be. So, that cyst is nothing to be too concerned about. I'm to continue with the estrogen supplements daily and I will have another ultrasound/blood work January 30th to see how things are progressing. The tentative date of transfer, should things progress on schedule, is Friday, Feb 8th.

Our prayer list is:
1) that ALL 3 embryos will thaw successfully and begin to divide and develop normally.
2) the drugs I'm taking will do what they are supposed to do (but not to excess like before) :) and that Curtis can give me the big shots in the hip without too much drama.
3) that the transfer will go smoothly
4) that the transfer will be successful despite the 25-30% statistic

Curtis and I were talking about how so far I have not met expectations on statistics. Dr. Jarrett expected my ovaries to not stimulate adequately when they actually OVERSTIMULATED. Also, the ICSI is supposed to be a sure thing for fertilization. NONE of those took and 6/7 of the others did which statistically should only be 60% success. We continue to be reminded that GOD is in control here and truly statics don't matter. So, that being said, we are prayerful that we defy the statistics again by achieving success despite the low odds. Thank you so much for all of your support and prayers. They continue to bless us daily!