I went in for my beta (blood test) this AM. I already had a bad feeling about it. Just with as sick as I have been the past couple weeks and especially this past weekend. I also took a HPT (home pregnancy test) yesterday just to see what it would say. It of course indicated a BFN (big fat negative). So, I was prepared for the same with this beta. And, I'm sorry to say. . . . I was right. It was in fact negative. Anything above 5 is considered positive (although above 50 is preferred). I was 2. Great, huh? It's very frustrating. Especially knowing how much prayer support we had. Although just because we pray about something doesn't mean God will give us exactly what we ask for. I just wish I knew the big picture. I wish I knew whether or not we will ever be able to have our own child.
Curtis and I talked a long time last night (anticipating a negative today) about how frustrating it is to blow 12k with nothing to show for it. And to consider doing it again with again the possibility of nothing to show for it. Not only just the $, but the "wasted" time, shots, stress etc. Just the realization that it's not fair. And we know, "life is not fair". We've all heard it a 100 times, but to actually live it is something all together different. Also, one thing he said is how unfair it is that we have to make the choice of how much a child is worth to us. That is just an awful thing to think about. Most people think, "hey, I'd like to have a couple kids" and wha la-- they do. They don't have to put their $ on that decision. Not like this. We're in the place of determining is a child worth 12, 24, 40K? What if we spend all this money on IVF and still get nothing. Do we want to invest more $ in adoption? This could get real expensive real fast. No we don't have an answer yet on how much a child is worth so to speak. Just frustrated that we are put in a spot to make such a decision.
Somehow we pick up the pieces and move on. Likely we will try this at least once more before we throw in the towel. We know that God is still good and His ways are perfect. (They just don't always feel that way.) One verse I read yesterday was Psalm 37:7a Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; It struck me as relavant to our life right now. But, how hard it is to be STILL and WAIT. . . .
Thank you all for your support, your prayers, your love. Your encouragement has meant the world to us.
3 comments:
i'm so sad for you guys! i've been thinking about you and praying for you for weeks now, but I trust God to work in your family... but I'm sure the uncertainty at this point is the worst. We're still praying for peace and guidance as you consider your next steps!
love you!
Okay...this is very sad. Not what we wanted to hear, but of course knowing that this was a possibility. I do believe that God will fulfill your strong desire to have a little one, just not sure how. But right now, we are mourning with you for the "loss" you are experiencing. And want to walk along side as God creates a new path to fulfill the vision that He's given you. We are sad for your today, hopeful for your tomorrow. Yes, God is good, but that doesn't make it easier...doesn't make the questions go away...doesn't make the pain feel better. What it does do is let us ask not, "but why"...but instead "what next"? We are praying now that you will have clarity on the next steps and grace for each other as you process the frustrations, disappointments, and sadness. We love you very much!
My heart is hurting for you. How I long to be living in Indy so I can give you a big hug right now. To renew your strength and wait upon the Lord...I will continue to pray for strength and wisdom. Know that I love you both very much. I can't wait to see you in three weeks.
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